Saturday, 31 August 2019

Blessed

I've been meaning to write this for some time now, and I often thought how I should apologise for not being around, or for leaving this space empty. But at the end of uni I figured I got sick of apologising, I apologised, apologised and apologised for everything, even the smallest darnest things, things that perhaps were out of my control. I realise now I shouldn't be apologising for just living my life.

I started this blog when I was 18, and as I look back at some of my posts, it caught me emotionally off-guard. It was like a book that almost hurt to read, the way it hurts to read the journal you kept when you were 15, something that reminds you of who you used to be and who you thought you would become.

This place has taught me many things, things that developed my love-hate relationship with it. I intended it to be a creative escape, where I could express myself, to share snippets of my life, and what I learnt, to be 'inspiring' and authentic.

I've since outgrown the 'words of wisdom'. Reading some older posts here made me want to crumple up inside. I realise now how it was a place where a naive girl in her late teens and early 20s believed she had so much power to inspire the world and dreamed about where she could make the biggest difference. It was an idealistic, feigned optimism that deserves its dose of reality.

It kills me how I didn't forsee it - how starting a venture to find myself also led to a rabbit hole of losing me. It started all innocent, clean and dandy, doing it for a cause, something I found meaning in. Maybe it was fueled by my desire to be independent, to earn some side money, to see where it would go. I didn't realise how this decision had led to compromising and betraying my principles, prostituting my blessings in the service of commerce.


A lot has happened in the last couple of years. I've been severely thrown into the depths of harsh reality of adulthood and endless rejection for the past couple of months, and I've questioned my own identity and who I am. This blog, for one, is named happy, as if demanding positivity and neglecting suffering. I don't believe that was my intention. As I've once said, happy was a tribute to my twin's name which means happiness in Arabic (though I'm now questioning this as I've found nothing online of its proof). I've been too disappointed with myself to be called 'happy', I've been too content to be called 'sad', right now, at least, it feels like I'm somewhere in between.

Yet I leave this place feeling blessed: what began as a passion project led to an inspiring community, of which I met such encouraging and genuine people from around the world. As I embark on the next phase of my life, I've decided to close this chapter here to rediscover myself and focus on my journey, while keeping that element of self-expression to the ones closest.

I think there's still value in happiness, joy. It's really easy to say how happiness isn't an emotion or a state, or a destination - yet I find myself constantly falling back on this, trying to find who, or what's missing that could possibly make me..a little happier. A good friend once reminded me happiness isn't about landing the next job, the next partner, the next anything. Coincidentally, I came across one of my old posts that reminded me of what it is: happiness isn't about having that constantly plastered smile, it's taking stock of your blessings and learning how to embrace who you are.

Dear readers, thank you so much for being part of this journey. It's been such an amazing adventure for the last 5 years, and I'm truly grateful for everything, alhamdulillah (thank God). And while I leave here with bittersweet memories, in some ways this has become a time capsule of 18 year old me, and on days I felt discouraged, it felt like letters to myself to remind me of what I was capable of believing. I hope, at least, in one way or another, it would do the same for you too.

♥, Dian

6 comments

  1. ngo foundation in india
    Plan india is a child rights organisation providing children, especially girls, with access to education, healthcare, protection and livelihood opportunities. • Plan India is a child rights organization providing children, especially girls, with access to education, healthcare, protection and livelihood opportunities

    ReplyDelete
  2. houses for sale in bangalore
    Chartered Housing is one of the best Real estate developers in Bangalore, and we undertake a variety of real estate projects such as apartments, villas, plots, etc. • Chartered Housing is one of the best real estate developers in Bangalore, and we undertake a variety of real estate projects such as apartments, villas, plots etc.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Candle boxes are uncommon endowments so their packaging ought to likewise be novel and imaginative.candle boxes are a perfect method.
    bath bomb packaging
    burger boxes
    hair packaging boxes
    lipstick boxes
    Nail polish boxes

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for sharing great informational content.
    Read latest technology related blogs
    play stupid games win stupid prizes
    sweaty fortnite names

    ReplyDelete
  5. All details you describe in your blog post about candle boxes is very informative for me. candle packaging boxes provides with suitable price.

    ReplyDelete
  6. A saw your post you are doing such a great work. Here I want to show you my Business which is about Custom Burger Boxes with free shipping. RushPackaging is a guide in the field of packaging. We are working in the USA but we give our custom packaging solutions throughout the world. We charge a sensible amount in terms of our quality services. Choose us to get the best for yourself.
    Popcorn Boxes Wholesale
    Cupcake Boxes Wholesale
    Coffee Boxes

    ReplyDelete